While conflict is an inevitable part of life, how we deal with it doesn’t have to be. Many of us have been exposed or taught to address conflict by being conflictive and combative, and yet what we know and feel is that no conflict is ultimately resolved by escalation. In fact, being combative has become a place of ease for many who find comfort in creating conflict and chaos or responding to others and situations with the intent of harming, hurting, or destroying the dignity and well-being of the other. Our society and heteropatriarchal norms have repeatedly instilled in us the notion that being combative, recalcitrant, and harmful is behavior that is rewarded through promotions, titles, “likes” on social media, and access to platforms more than eager to escalate conflicts.
Conflict emerges (between individuals, groups, businesses, societies or countries) for many reasons, and understanding the source of the conflict and learning how to de-escalate it actually allows us to tap into a much richer and wider breadth of solutions available to us. In any given moment, all of us are capable of creating conflict, even unintentionally. While conflict is not inherently bad – in fact it is often quite necessary to parse out solutions and help us evolve and mature – how we have been conditioned to respond to conflict has left us feeling depleted and ill-equipped to actually resolve it.
The first place to start is recognizing that not all conflicts are equal, and some are merely differences being shared, albeit in often unhelpful ways. Conflict may emerge from different value systems, different beliefs, different perspectives due to upbringing and societal influences, different emotional capacities and different ways of holding conflict. In addition, it may emerge due to different goals, meaning one party may be intent upon gaining power while another party wants to share power equally.
Next, it’s important to try to understand what is attempting to be communicated, and whether the message or value itself is inherently offensive or simply the delivery of it. Meaning, what is underneath the conflict? What is it that is driving the person, state or group to seek what they seek, or state what they state? What are they really trying to communicate about their needs, but also their fears, concerns and frustrations? What is being said, and what is being left out? What is motivating this actor to say what they are saying? Once you understand that better, you can begin to address the source of the conflict, which often is not about what’s being said or shared on the surface, but rather what remains unsaid far below.
Attempting to understand what is actually being communicated does not only help us better respond to a conflict, but it also positions us to better empathize with another and respond less from reactionary anger and more from empathetic understanding. It lowers the defenses (and offenses) and helps us become more strategic in reaching for solutions. Attempting to understand what someone is actually trying to communicate – even when it offends or hurts you – can disarm them and allow both sides to listen more actively to what the other is saying. The Center for Understanding in Conflict notes that those in conflict are fully capable of having authentic, honest conversations that direct them towards a place of mutual understanding. Understanding what is beneath the surface also centers you in a place of dignity and respect and invites the other to do the same, as the Institute for Mediation and Conflict Resolution in the Bronx teaches.
While we may never be fully comfortable with conflict, using moments of conflict or disturbance as an opportunity to invite further exploration, compassion and connection will aid us helping more effectively find solutions that have integrity for all involved.
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