When undergoing training as a mediator or in conflict resolution, you quickly learn that one of the keys to disarming the person before you who is deeply agitated and entrenched in his or her own position is to actively listen to them. As the renowned facilitator and anti-oppression trainer Nanci Luna Jimenez has often said, one who is listened to is able to heal. Listening requires us to be grounded in the present, both with the person before us and also with ourselves. It allows you as the one mediating conflict or helping people/institutions/states move through it a powerful tool to show empathy, presence, and commitment to hearing that person’s story. Doing so builds trust, which allows for the individual to release their shield and story long enough to allow in new information and, perhaps, a new perspective.
Active listening signals to the person who is being listened to that you are interested in their story, and their version of it. That means that you are listening both for facts being shared, but also – and most importantly – feelings that go along with them. Often conflict arises when we feel that someone else’s story or version of what is “correct” is being imposed on us, with no way to refute it. Our own autonomy feels threatened in the face of what feels like a forced reality upon us. Active listening reinforces the person’s own self-determination and ability to speak their truth.
Conflict is rarely about facts, and almost always about feelings. The same fact can provoke totally divergent feelings and emotions, therefore it’s important that as those dedicated to dissolving conflict and helping people navigate their way through it, that they do so feeling affirmed and validated as a person. That does not mean that their feelings about the facts have to be validated though – rather their ability to express them and be heard. That’s where active listening becomes a powerful tool in deescalating conflict and in preventing violence. Being listened to means you get a chance to download your version of the facts, and feel that by doing so, you are being validated.
Conflict often arises from our lack of ability to fully engage and understand the other person’s view of reality, even if it differs from our own or we vehemently disagree with it. Resolving conflict doesn’t mean you acquiesce to or accept their reality; it simply means you show compassion for their truth as they know and understand it, and are more interested in navigating it to find a mutual point of interest or acceptance. When someone is so committed to their version of the facts, it’s often because they feel no one has heard them, and so they must adamantly defend their truth in the face of what they feel is widespread rejection, belittling, dismissal or avoidance. Active listening allows them to be heard, so they can release their knuckle grip on their story and allow for other facts, or versions of them, to be allowed in. By doing so, negotiation becomes easier because people become less attached to the story they have steadfastly told themselves is the only right one.
Those we counsel are not the only ones who need to be listened to. In order to show up fully and presently as a mediator, peacebuilder or one committed to reducing and resolving conflict, we, too, must be listened to. We must also ask ourselves and question what is the story we have told ourselves (about the people before us, about the case or conflict, about who is deserving, etc.) in order to be able to hold space for those we are listening to. Peacebuilding always begins with each one of us, individually, embodying the principles we are helping others navigate.
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